1. When God made you he broke the mold. Why do you think that is?
Actually, a lot of people get me confused with Oprah. Personally, I can't see why. By the way, I got you a NEW CAR!
2. How much money would you like to have when you die?
As far as actual holdings, I don't have a clear idea, but I would like to be carrying a couple of thousand dollars in small bills so I can throw them in the air at the moment I expire. That way, passers-by will have to scramble over my fresh corpse to satisfy their greed. Hopefully it will lead to some moral reflection.
3. Your 9th grade music teacher, Mrs. Ackerman, said that the only thing uglier than making sausage, or making legislation, was making her listen to you play the recorder. What would you say to her now?
Funny, I don't remember you.
4. Are you more likely to get into an argument over obedient rhubarb, love-sick boy scouts, or oblong oven mitts?
Love-sick boy scouts. It's a hot-button issue. Also probably a Morrissey subject matter.
5. If you eat nothing but macaroni & cheese for 3 years, your skin will turn orange. Truth or Urban Legend?
I don't know about that, but I knew a guy when I was a teenager who was an emancipated minor. Totally lacking in parental supervision, he could do whatever he liked, namely: eating nothing but Dunkin' Donuts. Literally nothing else. After about a month of this, his intestines curled into a tight, little ball, nearly killing him. The surgery scar on his abdomen was impressive. No sign of sprinkles or chocolate frosting on his skin, though.
6. You fit the description of a celebrity stalker. Who are you stalking and why?
I'm stalking Kat. I chose her because she lives in my apartment and I'm lazy.
7. When you eat Cheerios, do you push them down to your milk, or do you beat them with a spoon?
I don't eat Cheerios. Heart health is for losers.
8. What has Mark Anthony taught you about love?
Even if you look like a cave bat, you can score a marginally talented diva with a fine backside. But only after Ben Affleck is done with her. Which is kind of like getting Matt Damon's sloppy thirds.
9. What is the longest you've gone without a shower?
Probably about a week when I was in college.
10. Why do you think most girls date you?
Statistically speaking, most girls haven't, but I'm game if they are.
11. Why do you like Scotch so much?
It's the only thing that takes the edge off of those goddamned vicious Bourbon hangovers.
12. Why do you like Declan so much?
13. Who killed the pork chops? What price bananas?
The pork chops were probably done in by some fat, blonde dude with a Mark McGuire goatee in Cincinnati. The bananas are cheaper - and better - in Brazil!
13. Why is Summer hotter than Winter?
That is because, in summer, everyone walks around in swimwear. The Earth gets all horny, causing its temperature to rise.
13. Your ass is haunted, true or false?
No. I've just been eating a lot of Brussels Sprouts. Thank you. Thank you!
15. What record album would your father most likely break over your head for playing too loud?
The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. But, Dad, it says, "To be played at maximum volume!".
16. What's a typical conversation you have with the little voice inside your head?
You know, what time is practice? Can you bring the tempo down a little? Can you give me a haircut? How's Dane? Oh, wait, that's Pitti.
17. If I gave you a rapacious panjandrum where would you hide it?
I would display it proudly.
18. You are eating at a recently opened fashionable restaurant. You are being pestered by a man blinded by greed and hunger. Do you offer him a bite of your bratwurst, or do you administer an elbow thrust to his solar plexus?
I'm a very generous person. I would administer two elbow thrusts.
19. When you perform on stage does it help to picture your audience naked?
Well, I don't really suffer from stage fright, but I do it anyway. Our audiences are sexy!
20. Let's assume your headstone reads, Here lies Greg Campbell. Pimp-smacking bitches since 1971. What will you take with you to your grave?
The secret of how to pimp-slap a bitch significantly prior to one's birth.